I've found bits and pieces of motivation today.
1. I went to see my doctor. My weight was 235.3 and last month's weight was 236.7. So I lost 1.4 pounds. (I actually JUST figured that out because I thought last month's weight was 235.) We had a slight "come to Jesus" moment. I have issues in my head. My mind is sabotaging me. I'm my own worst enemy, and that pretty much sums it up.
Anyway, he wasn't mad. I think he understood. I think he's frustrated that many of his patients aren't showing up. Like they aren't even canceling, which kind of sucks because he could be getting new patients in instead of sitting around waiting for his regular folks to come in.
Anyway, we made a goal of 8 pounds by Feb. 14th. I think it's do-able. We talked about how I need to focus on the now instead of focusing on the fact that I have to lose 80 pounds. 80 pounds seems like a damn mountain. I guess that's why I started doing the whole 20 pound goals, which I guess I should bring up my New Year's goal. I didn't make it. :( I won't dwell on it. I just need one good month to get me going again.
2. Did I tell y'all that I bought some bras from Victoria's Secret?! Well, I did! First, I bought some online and then I went into the store. The ones I bought online came today, AND THEY FIT! I bought a 40C bra, and 3 XL panties. They all freakin' fit! I bought a couple of more panties because all of my other undies have holes and are faded. The bras that I got from the store don't fit :( I bought 3 38C bras. I guess those could be my motivations also. They are really really cute and sexy, but they don't look good on me. They are way too tight. This is one of those things that even though I can snap them together, it doesn't matter because they look bad. lol I look like a fool. It's kind of humorous.
3. I have my Bodybugg charging. I'll put it on tomorrow. I would like to keep my calories to 1800 so I don't have to do much work. If I can just eat 1800 calories, I would only have to burn 2800 calories, and I can easily do that at work. So, I really don't have to exercise.
Speaking of exercise, my doctor says it's important to exercise, but food is more important. The exercise will help me in the future. I think I do have some muscles under my fat (well, obviously), but I think they are getting toned. I just wish my arms weren't so fat so you could see them. If my arms had feathers, I'm sure I could fly...
Anyway, so that is that. I'm trying my best to not think so big. I need to think about now. I just can't wait until I'll be in a size 16, 14, or 12. I have little patience, yet I KNOW I didn't get this way over night.
To simply put it: it's just hard!
Hey I totally feel you as far as the head sabotage goes. I'm trying to make the best of my therapy with the eating disorder therapist so I can quit doing that to myself too. Also, the first time I lost 80 pounds with my band I wasn't really exercising. This time, I am exercising like a crazy animal and I find my body is changing for the better. My mom keeps telling me I look WAY thinner than what I weigh. I'm starting to get a shape. Plus I just feel better, which in turn, motivates me. When I don't exercise, I feel less motivated to make better food choices. Funny how that works. There is also a little extra wiggle room for an occasional cheat or snack :P You should see if you can incorporate some exercise! I promise you'll feel wonderful :) I also can't wait to be a size 12. I'm impatient too :P You're doing great! Pat yourself on the back for your accomplishments!
ReplyDeleteYou're wise beyond your years, Amanda. Intermittent goals seem more attainable.
ReplyDeleteViolinist,
ReplyDeleteI do exercise, and I enjoy it for the most part. I got a personal trainer so I HAVE to exercise. I think I lost my first 40 pounds without exercising. I do think exercise does effect motivation. :)
Sounds like you've made some good realizations. I find it's easier to focus on nonweight related goals. i.e. "This week I'm going to only eat out twice." The end result is the same, it just seems less daunting.
ReplyDeleteyay for the new bras and undies!!! it's always fun getting new ones. well, for me it is anyway! lol you're doing great. we all need reminders now and again. =)
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